can we get nightvision for the apartment?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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