Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
