I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
