Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
