i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
