Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
