New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
