His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
