youre lurking in front of me
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
