Banned from zoo.
Again?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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