A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
