Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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