It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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