I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
