I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
where am i from again
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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