M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
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