The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
