You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
