My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
