Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
