We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
