Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
