What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
