Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
