bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
