mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I woke up under a house in Key West
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
