I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
