my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
