I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
