The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
