i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
