Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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