Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
