How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
