I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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