Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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