The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
