It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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