Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
