apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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