hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
