But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
