I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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