Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
