I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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