gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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