I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
