Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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