sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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