put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i think i have two assholes
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
